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#7: Three notifications & a cry sesh
Trigger Warning: pity party
I’ve been tinkering with the idea that I may be, actually, to my own surprise though perhaps no one else’s, lonely. I let Niki’s “Chilly” play after dinner, my earphones still on, and cry it out. It’s a great song. Less about wanting something you no longer have, more about wanting something you thought you’d find after, but still not finding it. Instead, being met with waves of nothingness and emptiness. Big ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ energy.
Avi shared this video on TikTok the other day and said “cowoknya kayaknya tipe lo deh” to which I responded: “Fak IYA” — because he was, heheheh. “Gue tipenya siapa? 🥺 HAHA”, I asked, kidding but not kidding. Kidding but lowkey have been wondering this for months and months and maybe years, maybe all 32 years of my life. “TIPE SEMUA COWOK YG WARAS” Avi says. I love that response. I love Avi.
Mid-cry, The Guardian decides it’s the perfect time to tell me that the freaking International Monetary Fund thinks “the worst is yet to come”. I tap this notification open, then wipe my nose, and then cry some more over the thought of going through the impending recession “alone”. Fuck.
This mood tracking app I haven’t used once since downloading two weeks ago is asking how my day was. It’s a cute app with some nice basic features and an interesting enough design, but I’d already financially committed to another app by the time I found this one so we’re going with it.
Anyway. I’d say my day was moderately okay. Certainly better than a few other days in recent memory. Certainly better than yesterday, where I woke up feeling like I was already drowning.
I guess today I woke up in the mood for adventure, so I showered. And then I worked from a nearby cafe ‘til about lunch time, before heading to Senayan to work some more. I can only ever work not at home these days, even though leaving my neighborhood feels like a bold move, what with the flooding and road closures, and Jakarta being one year closer to being completely submerged. I guess it’s my lucky day because while it did rain, it did not flood. In fact, the rain stopped at around 6pm, which meant I was able to take a GrabBike home. I asked the driver to drop me off at the supermarket, where I indulged in a tub of yogurt, a block of cheese, and a pack of hash browns, three things I have not purchased in a very long time because I I’ve just been eating eggs and tempe and rice and the occasional shin ramyun/indomie for variation. I’m proud to say I fought the urge to order a ride and walked home from the supermarket instead. At home, high and energized from my walk, I put on my earbuds, played a podcast, and washed the dishes that have been sitting on the sink for three days. I also reheated some leftover pasta from last (right, i made pasta last week I guess), and proceeded to eat dinner while continuing to listen to said podcast.
It was after this dinner that the crying took place, unprompted.
Prince’s “Adore” isn’t technically a sad song but my brain finds a way to project sad shit onto it anyway so here we are. I get a link to a TikTok video from Kristy on WhatsApp, which I click.
“Remember, it is a privilege to know me” a girl in the video says, dabbing blush onto her cheekbones. “And when I say this, I don’t mean it in a cocky I’m-better-than-you way, but in a I-know-what-I-bring-to-the-table-and-I-know-my-worth way.”
I quickly realize I’ve watched this before, just a few days ago. I like this framing of self worth. I even like that it’s a little bit cocky, maybe because I talk shit to myself most of the time. It’s nice to be reminded you’re allowed to think highly of yourself sometimes ahahah.
I texted Kristy back and told her that that’d made me stop crying.
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