Avi says maybe we should gatekeep

The Debrief with Syarafina Vidyadhana, Bali-based language interpreter and independent publisher

It may be ill-advised to try new things during mercury retrograde, better perhaps to sit still and wait it out, but I recently found myself sitting too still and waiting around for far too long and thought I’d finally switch things up with my newsletter. Every week for the foreseeable future, you’ll get three letters in your inbox. On Monday, like today, you’ll find The Debrief, where I call up friends for a piece of their thoughts. On Wednesdays I’ll brave the storm of my own self-doubt and send out a regular story/essay/rant/what-have-you post, and on Fridays I’ll send out a list of recommendations that may just be fun for the weekend and beyond. Please stick around for all that? In the meantime…

Welcome to the first installation of The Debrief, where I peek into what people around me are thinking about, what they’re consuming, and generally attempt to stay on top of what’s going on in their life in hopes of discovering clues for what to do with mine. For this first one, I talk to Avi, whose very cool full name is Syarafina Vidyadhana, a good friend I’ve mentioned endlessly in my posts over the years. I wanted to talk to her because I can, sure, but mainly because she’s truly one of my favorite debrief partners. Sharp, curious, and with a stamina for dissecting the details, debriefing with Avi is always full of revelations and breadcrumbs for further thinking.

Avi is based in Bali, where she works as a language interpreter and also runs this independent publishing and printing shop called Cahyati Press. They were recently selected as a recipient for the Extra Nice Fund by It’s Nice That. Read more about them here!

What’s an unpopular opinion you feel strongly about?

• I know the discourse around mental health right now is that it’s not the end all and be all solution, because the very thing that is causing our mental health to deteriorate is capitalism; these things tend to be a systemic, structural thing rather than an individual problem. My hot take is that a lot of people use that to avoid therapy at all cost. I am 100% in agreement with the view that you cannot solve capitalism with therapy. A lot of the time therapy only helps you adjust better in a capitalistic world, or gives you the tools to accept things that you know are unacceptable. We do need a revolution. But it doesn’t mean that therapy doesn’t work or that it cannot help, or that it’s not necessary. It shouldn’t be used as an excuse not to work on yourself.

  

• In relation to relationships, people often say communication is key, and that most problems in a relationship are rooted in communication. But sometimes we overlook non-communication as communication. I feel like as humans, we want so badly to pin all of our issues on communication alone, that even when something else is the problem, it’s still communication that’s faulty. But a world where I have to communicate everything all the fucking time… isn’t necessarily a world I want to live in. I don’t endorse being avoidant, but if you have to explain so much…? There is a limit to what communication can do anyway. Yes, your communication has to be good, but sometimes talking things out doesn’t solve the problem, doesn’t ease the pain, and I’m on a journey to find what the other things could be. Is it understanding? Is it empathy? I don’t know yet. But my hot take is that communication isn’t the one-size-fits-all solution.

• Another unpopular opinion I’m borrowing is that “we should gatekeep” — I read this article by Ann Friedman that talks about how sometimes gatekeeping is necessary, if only we have an alternative and more positive language for gatekeeping. Without gatekeeping, we risk having certain precious things co-opted by people with more capital, and people with less capital will be left with nothing. Also, people are allowed to keep things to themselves. We’re allowed to have internal lives. Some  gatekeeping is good! I might even argue that gatekeeping, to some extent, can be the antithesis to gentrification.

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What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

• I’m obsessed with people who can pull off mixing metals, like silver and gold at the same time.

• I’m currently obsessed with finance, but not in the sense that I want to be a billionaire. The funny story is that Cahyati Press, the publishing and printing experiment that I run with one of my best friends Kat, recently received a grant. And in order for us to receive this grant, we have to prove that we are not a for-profit organization. Meanwhile, we’re not a legal entity and we wish to remain as such, so I had to prove it in some way, which in our case was by showing them our ledger. I had to crunch a year’s worth of numbers, dealing with all that finance and accounting lingo — like oh this is “asset” and this is “liability”, “capital”, “income”. I’m also now in the process of sorting out my personal finances in the hopes of possibly having financial freedom maybe in the next 10 years? 20 years? So I’m currently obsessed with that. Just a healthy amount, not my usual hyperfixation.

• I’m obsessed with figuring out what would make my life beautiful in both tangible and intangible ways. One of my personal revelations is that in order for things to be beautiful you have to open yourself up not just to the conventionally beautiful feelings, like joy and happiness, but you also have to be okay with being a little mellow. I’m not saying we have to suffer or be miserable, but we have to be open to the mellowness of life, otherwise it’s just routine — and coming from someone autistic, for whom routine is absolutely crucial.

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Who’s someone you think more people should know about?

Influenced by the algorithm but also Christabelle, I think more people should know about Victoria Paris, the influencer. 

I think she’s the young Leandra Medine, minus the nepobaby origin story. I like that she’s so chaotic. I’m in a time in my life where more and more I’m expected to have it together. I’m above 30, so it’s an age thing, but also in order for you to not be a burden to other people you have to have it together, be a well-adjusted adult, say the right things when you’re socializing. In my work I’m also expected to have a well-organized schedule to avoid overbookings. Socially, when I go back to Jakarta I plan out my visit because I want to see everyone. In my relationship, with my current partner, chaos isn’t fun for them. Not the way it can be for me. So seeing Victoria Paris repeatedly buy the wrong ticket across her euro travels this summer feels so liberating to me.  

I also love that she’s a maximalist when accessorizing, she has that “Man Repeller” energy. People think there’s only one way of being and being chic, and often it’s by way of minimalism. I love seeing Victoria Paris stack her accessories and still embody chicness. I’m so tired of the idea of stealth wealth and quiet luxury, and being exposed to beige clothing items constantly. Wearing that would be like wearing a costume for me, because I wasn’t born into wealth. None of my friends are billionaires either, so what would I even be wearing that for? What do I even want to signal? I love seeing Victoria Paris because she’s extra, and that gives me permission to be extra.

It’s also a sexuality thing, because at first I thought “oh she’s so man-repelling” and then I found out that she’s queer!

I also think more people should know my friends!

My friends are so precious. If you get a chance to get to know my friends and interact with them, consider yourself very lucky. See, on the one hand, I want to gatekeep my friends, because you have to be a certain kind of kind and smart and funny to have the privilege to hang out with my friends. But also… the whole world needs to know my friends! Not just individual friends, but also hang out with a bunch of us. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I won the friendship lottery. Because you get to see how kind and brilliant my friends are, and how we hold space for one another. I don’t know, it’s just rare. They gave me a roadmap for the kind of friendships I want from other people.

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What’s a life hack or advice that recently changed your life?

If you cannot afford to buy art, frame things.

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What are you looking forward to the most this week?

I’m looking forward to my birthday tomorrow! I’m going to wake up, make my matcha, play Maggie Rogers vinyl that you bought for me and I’m looking forward to receiving phone calls, just talk on the phone with the people that I love. I didn’t make plans and emptied my schedule because my friends aren’t here and that’s fine. I want my birthday to be just about connecting with them in whatever medium is possible. We can just talk virtually. I’ll maybe go to the beach, have a nice dinner. I want to allocate most of the day for introspection and phone calls, and receiving gifts from my friends. 

Also, I’m looking forward to Cahyati Zine Week, where we will be featuring alternative publishings from the UK. If you’re in Bali between 6 – 10 September, make sure to drop by our shop. We’ll be there from 4 to 8PM. Hope to see you there!